There's no "game" in my game!

To the Teeming Millions:

Most MUD's are toys. Don't get me wrong. Some MUD's, like SOE's very fine and dandy Infantry, are games. But most MUD's are toys because they lack a single objective Victory Condition. The whole point of most MUD's is to facilitate continued play. If you include in your business plan the objective of going out of business six months after launch, then your investors will help accelerate your schedule by not investing. One can't beat the efficiencies of capitalism!

But looking at the present crop of MUD's, we find ourselves staring at a toy. We are free to make up any goals we like and I really do appreciate this freedom. Sometimes I like to pick out some space and pretend anyone who enters it is an invader and try to beat the tar out of them, but usually I like to go walkabout and explore. I have noticed, with great dismay, the only game element present takes the form of a minigame.

At most of the bars I frequent, there is a console on one end which hosts a variety of games ranging from card games to action games. I call these machines video crack. This is because I've noticed impoverished barmaids will feed any dollar they grasp into the machine as if under some indomitable compulsion. Let's call these games minigames because they are typically completed within a few minutes. I've seen an awful lot of MUD's and a lot of awful MUD's, and in all of them the only game element present takes the form of a minigame and is known as combat. I know I'm not addressing quests. This is because they usually take the form of Kill ten rats… and therefore are adequately covered by the current heading.

Video Crack would facilitate billiards, ninepins, darts, and a host of other games. Why is it I can't find a single pair of horseshoe pits in all of the land? Darts have been present in taverns ever since there were taverns. There isn't much which is better than enjoying a few pints with the lads and bowling down some ninepins in the alley by the pub. Some people like to use the MUD as nothing more than a fancy-pants IM, and why should they be alienated? The more the better! says I.

People hate to walk. I have walked, at a leisurely pace mind you, from one end of the Regnum world to the other. I didn't mind it at all. It only takes a few minutes and I get to enjoy some nice scenery. Other people demand that fast travel stuff. It is a public fact some players of WoW have even resorted to Real World prostitution just to acquire a mount in the game. This is why many MUD's have a fast travel system often involving instantaneous teleportation. The player simply clicks a boat's gangplank with the Fondle Something icon and he is instantly transported to the far side of the world if he has the necessary funds. While this may be cute and convenient, why not instead launch a game of Beer Pong with a sailor? This involves timing a set of mouse clicks with a strange set of oscillating meters (this paradigm is often used in Golf and Billiards on the Video Crack machines, but is dated as far back as the Atarii 2600 console) with the intent of launching a small ball or pea into a cup at the opponent's side of the table. If the player makes his shot, then the sailor has to chug and his skill level decreases. No matter if the player makes his shot, play transfers to the sailor so he can make his. If the sailor makes his shot, then the player's meters behave ever more erratically. Play continues in such an alternating manner until either character is completely drunk or either opponent scores 15 points. Why all of this? The player's score will determine how close to his destination he lands. If the player scores 15 points then he arrives at his destination, otherwise he will land at a port short of his destination (but closer than from where he started). This is because if either character gets drunk then the captain will eject the player's character from the boat at the first port of opportunity (he doesn't need riff-raff distracting his staff from their duties). If the sailor wins the game, the character might wash up on a beach (again, at a point nearer to his destination than from where he started, with the distance perhaps proportional to his score and the 15 point limit) after jumping ship in order to avoid paying off some rather steep wagers made to the sailor while a bit tipsy.

Picking a lock consists of nothing more than clicking a door with the Do Something Shady icon and then the computer rolling some dice. Why is that? In Hillsfar, picking a lock invoked a very cool minigame. I start the minigame with a set of random lockpicks. The higher my skill, the more picks I have. The locks are a random set of tumblers. The lock's difficulty determines the count of tumblers. The lock must be picked within a time limit. The time limit starts at a base value, and is then is increased in proportion to my skill and decreased in proportion to the lock's difficulty; tough locks give you less time and high skill gives you more time. If I fail, then the lock remains sealed to my character until I improve my skill. If I succeed, then the door opens and my character may pass through the portal. Play consists of a sequential pattern match. If there is a tall tumbler with a wedge cut out of it, then I need to use the short pick shaped like a wedge. I must pick the tumblers in order from left to right. There is no guarantee I will have the required pick, hence a positive motivation to increase my skill. This sort of thing could be accomplished (including graphics) in no more than 20 hours. Why is there no game in my game?

I never liked Whack-a-Mole. This game, commonly found at carnivals and the Dave & Buster's and Chuckey Cheese franchises, is somewhat interesting. The player has a padded mallet and must *whack* plastic targets (shaped like a moles) which rise up out of a set of holes at random times. If the player does not strike a mole, it will recede back into her recesses awaiting another summoning. If the player does strike his target with yon mighty padded mallet, then mole recedes as above but the player also scores a point. The object is to score as many points as possible in the time aloted. So why is that crafting stuff simply a matter of clicking the Vibrating Hammer icon, the computer rolling some dice, and the success or failure being reported back to the player? I propose an alternative. The computer makes a dice roll, and if successful the character is guaranteed a very shoddy item but then Whack-a-Mole is launched. The player would be presented with a picture of a sword which becomes warped identically to the moles described above. The player's objective is to strike these deformities out of his sword. After the minigame completes, his score will determine a bonus quality to the item. The greater the player's score, the greater the quality of his product. This also has a nice side-effect of thwarting some bot crafting. If people want to just execute a craft script in their sleep, then they will only succeed in creating worthless junk. If people actually play the game, then they will craft exquisite treasures.

Even the classic combat minigame can be improved. Many MUD's go to a great deal of effort and expense at creating some sort of arena where player characters might duel. This is absurd. If I wanted to duel with you, I'd slap your face with a gauntlet and demand your presence in the commons at the next sunrise. If I merely wanted to gank a newb, then I'd just sneak up behind you while you were reading a merchant's shop dialog… If you want to kill someone, then just use your sword where you presently are! No one actually spectates at those arenas anyway. But if you want to gain honour through dueling then I might point out The Secret of Monkey Island had perhaps the best dueling system there ever was.

Oh yeah?